A test

I realized yesterday that we have six months before we hear from the prophet, his counselors, the apostles, the seventy, and other authorities of the church.

Monday, the day after General Conference, I went to the Book of Mormon Institute class and Elder Cochran told us that we all should read our notes that we made from General Conference everyday and try to apply them to our lives and then live them. This got me thinking about everything.

So I decided that I could do even better. What if I chose six talks that I can relate to and apply them to my life and live them or get rid of them?

But there are about 26 talks that I would have to go through and choose only six to live by? Yes, I know that was very hard for me so I am going one month at a time.


This month I am doing Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk on burdens. I realized that there are some problems in my life that have become burdens and it is hard to be going through college with stupid burdens that I do not need. Some of the burdens are a result of my stupidity and others were caused by others. In any case they need to be gone and this is the best action to get them out of my life. If I just continue to be acted upon nothing will get accomplished-Elder Cochran taught me that.

I chose some very cool and informative ways to go about doing this talk:

For a week I will spend writing scriptures about burdens, grief, suffering, tribulations, and three other types of scriptures. I chose to look in the topical guide and choose the scriptures that were mentioned. This is going to be a test for me because I have a hard time keeping at this type of thing, However, I am so determined to do this that I know it will get done. I feel that it will help me because I will read about all of the people in the Bible and Book of Mormon that have went through things and made it out. It will be harder than just writing down word for word what happened and what was said. I will actually write how each thing makes me feel and how I can apply that to my life

The next week I will research seven talks on burdens. This will help me to see and feel what people felt and learn how they dealt with burdens and how they got over them.

The following week I will ponder what I have learned and continuously ask Heavenly Father if there is anything else I must learn in order to get these pesky little, and one huge, burden out of my way.

The very last week I will see if I can actually give a talk on burdens; however, if it doesn't work out I will listen to hymns and continue to ask Heavenly Father if there is anything else I should know.

I have a problem with feeling the spirit and I know that it will help me out a lot to do it this way. It will help me to know that the spirit is with me and that I am worthy of such a marvelous thing.

My test to you is to try this out for yourself and see if it helps you. You do not have to do yours the exact way I am doing mine, you don't even have to do yours on burdens. It doesn't even have to be for the six months, just try it out.

Needing a little pick me up

When I got here I knew that I would have to have a job to finish off college, I only needed $600 to pay off my tuition. That's not bad. However, when I got here I was sick for the first week and a half and just went to my classes slept and was dragged to some school functions. I was so scared and happy to be on my own that I totally forgot to look for an on campus job. Then after the week and a half I remembered and starting looking, after all it is a small campus and only a few people will need a job, well there was no on campus jobs available and I couldn't find anything around Buena Vista. I was able to bring my debt down to $400. And now there are two openings available in the school. One is in the mail room and the other is in the Cafeteria. The mail room job has interviews because so many people have applied and the cafeteria people are taking there time looking at the applications.
Well now because of my debt I can not register for the Spring semester until I either get a job or pay off my debt. I talked to my dad and he said that the money he was going to give me to buy a homecoming dress will have to go towards the debt, which I agree with, however, it is only going to be $50-$100. That is only 1/4th of the debt and I have until the end of the week to come up with it or I can kiss my education goodbye.
I feel so awful. I love it here. I mean I can do better spiritually but I have never felt like I belong to anything in my life like I do now. I don't know what to do. I have been praying and reading my scriptures everyday. I am glad Saturday is General Conference. I need Him so bad and I can just feel everything slowly starting to fall apart. I can never be happy for longer than a moment it's just doesn't happen for me.
The financial aid people have been trying to work with me and I totally understand, it's only right that I give them their money for this awesome education.
I just do not know what else to do. If I had the money I can give it to them and the problem would be over, but I don't so I am left teetering on am I staying or am I going.
Please just keep me in your prayers.

A bad week

I knew that it would happen sooner or later, no one can be happy forever. I just didn't expect it to happen so hard. I got a really bad grade on my first biology test (55/100) and it hurts my feelings and plans. It is my fault because I have spent too much time going to our school functions and not studying afterwards. I also could spend my Sundays better. I mean I am not spending them wrong (after all what can you do in a small town) but I can try to invite the Spirit more. It just gave me a huge wake up call.

I do not plan on not attending school functions but I will make sure I study before and after. I also have been battling feeling loved. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, but I don't feel it sometimes, this probably has a lot to do with all the "love" going on at SVU. It is the 4th school to have a high percentage of marriage. I just feel that I am incapable of feeling loved and loving others.

This of course is not on my high priorities list, I do not plan on getting married any time soon, but it is on the list. And most of you know that I am a list person. I am also lost on my career choice, I am not sure about Pre-Med, and it is really getting on my nerves that I am now unsure about myself.

Because I am failing Biology and having a hard time in French and English I am thinking about dropping Yearbook. It is sad because I really want to stay on the committee and they only have 10 people in Yearbook and it will be very hard for them. I do not know what to do. I have been praying to Heavenly Father about it, but so far I haven't gotten any response, this can be due to not feeling the Spirit.

However, I am not a total lost cause, Sunday most of my anxiety melted. I am still having problems but I felt totally at peace for the first time in 6 days. I went to church and I just felt so good. I got a calling as a Family History and Indexing co chair. This is a Ward and Stake calling. I am so excited. However, it is very ironic because I can not find anything on my family. I have also been praying about that as well. I also will get my Patriarchal Blessing on October 18th. I know that it will help me very much.

Last week we had our Stake Conference and it was talking about Temples, missionary work, and living righteously. I loved the talks they gave.

Last night we also had a mission fireside and it was awesome. We got to meet people who had served a mission and others who were thinking/planning on serving a mission. I loved it so much.

All of this got me thinking that this is all a part of life: Trying to feel the Holy Ghost, being unsure of love and your future, and just being all over the place.

During Fast and Testimony meeting today I said something that I really liked. " We are all different and sometimes being born on the difficult road helps you to see that there is another road." I never knew that there was a better way other than the difficult one and being baptized showed me that there was. I am so happy that I found the church and because I know that there is a wrong way I am more able to see the two.

I would like to add something to that. After having a horrible dream a few nights ago I now realize what it meant. "Even when you feel like you are at your worst and everything is going wrong, know that it can be worse." You can be starving in China or born in Africa with aids and die at 8 years old. You can be an orphan with no family and no one to love or love you. You can be a football player now paralyzed, never to walk again.

My life has had it ups and downs and will continue, but I am continuously fighting to stay on the right side of the veil, are you?

Dating Auction

Last night at 9:30 the school put on a dating auction. It is exactly what I said a dating auction. There were 18 guys were lookoing for the affection of the girls. the opening bids were between $10 and $20 dollars depending on how hot you were. All of the proceeds went to out school newspaper, which is actually a book. It was so much fun! The guys had to wear good guy or bad guy costumes. A guy wore Choose the Wrong costume and got a date for $50! He is actually really cute so it was worth it I think. Another guy wore Superman costume, and looked like Christopher Reeves, and he is going on a date worth $35! I think that it was a great experience and really fun! I know that probably sounds lame, but it was awesome! The guys were really fun and danced and was happy to be going on a date, even if it was only $10.

I love this school! It is so much fun.

I also went to the boys soccer game. Which was fantastic! Although we lost, we had a lot of spirit and it was a low scoring game; 2-1. I love our soccer team and it helps that they are literally around the corner from the lofts.

Shapiro

Friday night we had this awesome dance! It was so much fun and the music was awesome! I met a lot of people at the dance and had a lot of fun. I was dressed up in my pink, black, and white shirt and black slacks I had rolled up to make capris. It suffices me to say that I looked like a rock star.

But before the game I went to a play for the first time! It was our schools A Midsummer Nights Dream play! I can not give you much details on it because they are still playing this weekend, but I will tell you that it was awesome. I loved it so much. The people in it were awesome and I was laughing and crying the entire time!

At the dance I danced with a few people one guy I really liked and he was really awesome! I also hung out with the girls and we just had a blast!

Saturday we were treated with a concert! It was an up-and-coming band named Shapiro. You should check them out on Myspace and Facebook. They were awesome. They are basically soft rock, but they can make anyone dance. After their amazing concert we actually got to talk to them and take pictures. Me and my friend Tiffany got individual pictures of all of them and then a picture with all of them. She will probably have the pictures on her facebook soon. They really are awesome and I hope they make it big soon.

I also did study so don't worry about it. And sense as a rule on campus you can not do homework or study on Sunday I made sure to have everything done Saturday before the concert. I am so proud of myself. I have been handling this experience pretty soon. I think the volleyball girls have a game today and so if they do I will be there, that is of course if this cold doesn't get worse.

I am also on the Yearbook Committee! I am so excited this will be the first committee I have ever been on. I hope it is as amazing as I think it will be. We meet for the first time tomorrow and hopefully I am well enough to attend. Right now I feel miserable.

So anyway that is my update of the weekend.

Having a testimony

Today in Relief Society we talked about being alone. It couldn't have been a better subject for me.

My testimony couldn't have come at a better time. Yes I said that right, I did not have a testimony until today.

When the missionaries came, I was at a low point in my life, so much so that I would believe anyone if they told me that there was a better life out there. I would have been Catholic if they came to me first. I didn't gain a testimony in church because I was dealing with a lot at home. I got baptized because I felt that I had to, not for the missionaries, but for me. I felt that the only thing I had was a belief that there had to be something better and nothing could get worse for me. I came to this school because I wanted to get away from all of the drama at home.

But today, during Relief Society, when all of the women bore their testimonies and I saw that I was different from most of them. I saw that I brought something here. I realized that this is where I belong. This is who I am. I can be different. I can be better. I can be anyone I want, not in the sense of I can be Brittany Jacobs, but in the sense of I can be a doctor or lawyer. I don't have to wallow in my misery; I can pick myself up. I don't have anything to prove to anyone.

For now on I am not the girl from Detroit Michigan trying to prove that I am not a statistic, or trying to hide who I am or where I am from. I am the girl whose parents are drug addicts and entire family have so many problems that there isn't enough paper in the world to describe. I am the girl who has no money and next to nothing in her dorm room an only 6 days worth of clothes. I am the girl who may not be the prettiest girl on planet Earth and definitely not the thinnest ( although I am eating healthy, at least I am trying to). I am a girl who got here with a 574 on her GED test and 19 on her ACTs. I am the girl with PCOS and psoriasis so bad she has to wear a wig that is now falling apart. I am the girl who was sexually abused as a child. And I am the girl with no lap top or phone.

But I am also the girl who loves life and knows where she is headed, well at least the directions. I am the girl who although has been through hell and back was and is able to pick myself up and dust myself off. So yes I belong here and am happy to finally realize this and truly know that I am a child of God and there is a plan for me.

I am also the girl who knows when she talks to much, so goodbye for now.

A quick update before classes

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 19. It was great. during lunch everyone sang Happy Birthday to me and another girl.
But let me tell you everything that happened before then.
Thursday we arrived around 9am and after checking in (and getting these cool hotel key card for my room) I began getting ready. I met my awesome roommate Kaili and her parents. We had awesome activities like orientation group where we met other freshmen and just hung out an did fun stuff, like play fuzzy bunny. It was awesome. We even had a stop light dance (where you wore those colors to describe your dating life). I can not remember all of the things that we have done these past few days but it has been awesome. I love it here.
I have another friend Kaile and she is awesome. The three of us have so much fun together and the guys here are HOT and smart.
I have learned so much about myself in the past few days.
I have awesome Resident Directors and an even more awesome Orientation leader (Kara). They have been helping me so much.
Because Pre Med is not actually a major I can major in Business and do pre med classes. I will not actually start my business classes until next semester, but I am very excited.
I met awesome people and met my academic advisors. We did a game to find out where everything is.
Our dorm (which is made like an upscale hotel) is on this huge hill and we have to go up and down 4 flights of stairs to get to campus, which is horrible but fun.
Anyway that is all for now. I do not want to be late for my first class. French.
Schedule: bio, french, volleyball, english, and western lit.