Because I have been given much

I have been extremely stressed lately because well, I am a worrier. As a child my parents called me a worrywart. I have a job; however, the hours suck. I get maybe five hours per week (if any). I love the job and the people but I cannot live off of maybe $30 per week. I got really depressed. I finally decided to tell someone and the ball started rolling. Miracle number one: I was able to get the most needed things ready for BYUI (school supplies was on a super sell). Miracle number two: I was able to get help with my medical bills and also I was able to get some of my bills lowered. Miracle numbers three and four: I was able to get my physical done with less money and I am in the process of finding someone to do my dental examination for free! I am also in the process of getting my financial aid processed at BYUI. Miracle number five: I will get a refund check for $125 from Macomb Community College. It is not a lot but it is enough to pay my rent for this month (yes I know the month is almost over and I have to pay September’s rent) and buy the bus card to get to and from school. Miracle number six: I have a job lead as a nanny. I hope that it pans out. I love children and it would be nice to get even more experience in the field. I am crossing my fingers.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and attention that Heavenly Father has shown me. David told me that nothing matters until the next journey. I only have to get by right now. This is not the part that Heavenly Father is overly concerned about. He knows how strong I am. He knows where I will go from here. He just wants my will to be aligned with His. He wants me to know that He is here for me, He cares for me. I have struggled with that for a long time. Coming from where I have been, I find it difficult to just let Him direct me. I am so used to relying on myself. I always feel like whenever I do rely on someone, they let me down and it just breaks me even more. My dad said that Friday he would pay the $35 for my doctor’s visit; however, when Friday came he told me that he didn't have the money. That hurt me more than I thought it would. That meant that I either couldn't get the medical stuff done for my physical or I would have to ask yet another person to help. I feel like all I do is mooch off of Hallie and Mike. They have enough to worry about, the last thing they need is an adult asking them for money, food, shelter, support, everything. I just hate it so much. Self-reliance anyone? Hallie offered to pay because well that’s Hallie. Fortunately (what number miracle am I on?) I did not have to pay since it was just a follow-up to my TB test. I am learning that as long as I am on the Lord’s errand He will find a way.

Today in Young Women we had a wonderful talk by the 2^nd counselor in the Young Women Presidency. She told a story about a girl whose mother was divorced and could barely afford to give her children any necessities. The girl went to school with nappy hair and mismatched socks. Her seminary teacher asked a popular girl and boy to just be nice to the girl (walk her from seminary to school and just talk to her). The girl soon cared about herself and her appearance. She brushed her hair and eventually married in the temple. This story reminds me a little about me. No one knows much about my past. I am extremely guarded and hate attention. But today I feel like sharing. I was molested by a family member multiple times and finally I told my parents, my family became separated. My immediate and distant relatives were always close but then (and now) we separated (some on his side and some one mine). I was 11 wen I finally told. I went into this awful depression. It was like a huge part of me died. I got these fears. They were so contradicting of each other (for instance, two fears were I was afraid of the dark but I also was afraid of light, I was afraid of showering but I was also afraid of not showering. If I showered I thought he might come back but if I did not shower I thought something bad would also happen. I was afraid of that if it was dark he would come back but if it was light something else bad might happen.) that I became mentally paralyzed and physically I could not perform daily functions. Soon my parents had me hospitalized for fear that I would kill myself from my fears or from not eating, drinking, etc. Slowly but surely I was able to return to “normal.” I was not happy and I was still depressed; however, I was not as depressed as before. Soon I opened up and I began writing again (which calms me). I was ready to have God in my life, so the missionaries came. When I joined the church I was able to be around people who set examples for me. They helped me to learn that there is a way out. I can be happy. As a reminder of the place I never want to go, I wear mismatched socks. Is it a coincidence that this story had a girl that went from wearing mismatched socks to white clothes going to the temple to be sealed forever? I do not know. All I know is that just as that girl changed after having wonderful examples in her life, I also have changed. I can look at myself and know just how much God loves me. He has brought so many wonderful people into my life. He has strengthened me in so many ways. If I can go through that without knowing that he has been here all along: I think I can go through my current trials with no problem. Now brain, stop worrying! And everyone please excuse the large post. My heart is full of gratitude. This is going to be a lot to write in my journal.

The end of Chemistry

Thursday (July 28th) was my last day of Intro to Chemistry. Both Wednesday and Thursday were major test days (with Wednesday being the chapter test and Thursday being the Final). On both days I waited long after the test was finished to see my grade. I received an 80 percent! This was the first chapter test that I did not get a 70 percent. The next day was Finals! I did not get much studying in for the test; however, I figured that I have been studying like crazy so it should not matter. And I was right! I received an 85 percent! I could have gotten an 100 percent but I will not get into that today. I am so proud of myself. I worked very hard in this class. I managed to get an A- in Chemistry. I know that there were grade fairies that helped me.

I am very appreciative towards my teacher. Professor Wolf is a wonderful teacher. He helped me a ton - more than any teacher I know. He has spent countless hours with me almost every day helping me with homework and with the chapters. I do not know many teachers that are willing to spend three hours going over moles and the Stoichiometry Chart. He is willing to go over the same question ten times it if will help you understand it. He loves Chemistry. He even authored a Chemistry book for a high school and was (and still is) in the process of editing/ rewriting it and still was willing to stay hours after class to help those who struggled.

Now that school is over, it is time to figure everything out. My track at BYU-I starts in January. That means I have to buckle down and get things ready for the trek to Idaho. That means I really have to find a job. The job that I have has decided now that the Grand Opening is over with, to give us crappy hours. I worked less than 10 hours last week! At less than eight dollars per hour, that is not good enough to do anything. Either I find a second job or I find a new job completely. This sucks. I spent so much time finding a job, only to have to find another one. When life throws you lemons, I guess. I have to figure out travel arrangements: by plane, by bus, by train to get to BYU-I. Okay by plane or by train. Did you know that If I just travel to Utah (BYU more specifically) there is a cheap bus that can drop me off right at BYU-I! That's cool.