Hello Goodbye

I wrote this poem yesterday night. I don't know what it means to me. I guess I just felt a little poetic. I really love the imagery. Tell me what you think. Be brutally honest.

There are days when I don't think I am pretty
Are there days when I think I am pretty?
There are times when I hate myself
Do I love myself?
I cry forever like a whining cat that's left in the pitch black, rainy and thundering, mother
nature hates you, outside
I am depressed like an over worked, unloved, unappreciated wife and mother of six
Or a single mother that stalkingly watches the car leave her driveway carrying her eighteen year old son packed tight between all his belongings wearing a Brigham Young university pride on his face
Teary eyed because it will be four long years before they see each other again
Acknowledging the brown dead like tree that has never born any fruit in its two hundred years
But I know that if it isn't here tomorrow I will be devastated beyond repair
Damaged so deep I wouldn't breathe
Oxygen deprived I will die
Or at least have a tear stained pillow on my naked bed
All alone I will follow the bright colorless stars at night...maybe
What will I do?
What can I do?
Live like a forty year old woman fighting breast cancer, chemotherapy, bald head, skinny and all

The Doctor's appointment

I had a doctors appointment at the Ob-gyn at 2:45. We made it to the clinic at 2:30, unfortunately it was the wrong one and my dad had already left. My mom figured that since I am 18 I can go by myself, it didn't matter that this was the first time and I was completely terrified.
A nice guy named David, the greeter at the receiving hospital, walked me over to the Old Hutzel hospital where a woman said that it was at. I had to walk to the Kresge Eye Institute where it really was. It was a good thing that it was only a minute from there. I got to the ob-gyn at 3:00. They said that they would still see me. I was seen at 4:00 to my dismay by a guy doctor. He saw that I was afraid because it was my first time and because he was a guy. He gave me a paper saying what he will do, told me that he will tell me everything he is doing, and that it will take less than 2 minutes. He made me feel better by asking me questions while he was doing the pap smear. He told me that I have an infection due to using scented soap and gave me a cream to use. He then told me that I will have to have some blood drawn and sent me over to the lab.
Well I didn't get my blood drawn until 6:00. I was in their waiting room from 4:30 until 6:00 and it only took them a minute to draw my blood. The bad part was that she did it wrong and I bled for at least 3 minutes afterwards. It was like someone cut me. Finally I went home.

Me and Me

Since I had to cut off most of my hair, I was very happy when my mom came home with this black wig for me to wear. I am extremely self conscience and so I was very sad having to cut off my hair and wear a scarf to church or any place else. The wig is black with annoying bangs and it is comes to right above my neck. It is cute though and very easy to manage. I don't have to do anything other than brush it and pull the bangs away from my eyes.

People were nice to me at church saying that my hair was pretty. I felt really special. At church I also got a calling to be a nursery teacher. I was really happy. After church I got a setting apart ( a blessing for my calling). It was nice. I was a little sad not being in Seminary but it is nice having a calling, that means that someone believes that I am great for the job of caring for little children. I am however nervous about teaching. Even though the kids do not know what I am saying, I still do not want to mess up.

I also got a calling as a visiting teacher. I know that will be fun.

I have applied to SVU, but I did not know that even though I have a GED I still have to give them my high school transcripts. Even though they day that they look at other things I am scared because I did horrible in high school. Seriously, I only have 20 credits out of 2,000. I am certain now that I am not getting in.

Saturday Hallie and Mike are taking me to Canada. It will be my first time there. I know it will be fun, but I am afraid of going i the tunnel. But I figure the tunnel is better than the bridge.

Anyway that is what I have been doing the passed two weeks.