As I sit contemplating on what to write about the past month
I am reminded of the hymn 'For the Beauty of the Earth.' I have truly been
blessed with beautiful tender mercies lately and I just want to praise my
Father in Heaven. As I have begun putting my life in the Lord's hands I have
seen a transition like no other in who I am becoming. Yes, from time to time I
have slipped up and made hilarious mistakes and I have even had a bout with
sadness being away from home and the people that I love; however, nothing can
be more sweeter than seeing my countenance change each day as I move one step
closer to who God needs me to be.
Two days ago I asked my Father in Heaven to help me learn
from a trial that I had been struggling with. Today in sacrament meeting
through the tender words of my beautiful roommate Chyenne He answered me. In
her talk, Chyenne, deciphered the first six words of Matthew 7:13 "Enter
ye in at the strait gate." She invited us to imagine what it would look
like. She gave us her interpretation of a long dark hallway leading to a light
and the beautiful gate with our God there beckoning us to come inside. Along
that hallway though lies many doors, doors of trials. As we try to find our way
down that narrow, dark hallway we are pulled, enticed, or frankly walk through
those doors. However, as we all know, our loving Savor is there the entire
time; the Atonement is there the entire time. The Atonement brings us out of
the doors and back onto the narrow path, the hallway, towards are Father in
Heaven. It wasn't the trial that I had to learn from but it was the
reaffirming, healing, powerful message that I am never alone!
I don't know why I have constantly struggled with this
concept. You would think that after a while I would be secure in the fact of
having a God and Savior rooting for me, standing here with me. But yet again,
loneliness crept into my heart as I thought about my family back home and
feeling inadequate like I have to prove to the world that I'm intelligent and
deserve to be here at Brigham Young University-Idaho. On Facebook a friend of
mine posted a question asking us what our nonphysical fears are. I guess mine
would be a fear of feeling or being utterly alone. My entire life I was always
afraid of my parents or siblings dying. Then as I came to join the church I was
afraid of God and Christ abandoning me either because of me distancing myself from
them or them "falling out of love with me." How silly. Then I gained
a great friend who I too became afraid of losing. It has literally caused me to
crawl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. It is a real fear, one that can
damage such a great relationship with this person. For a few hours I seriously
contemplated not liking him for fear of losing him- I would rather be alone
than feel betrayed or abandoned. I am so grateful for Chyenne and for the
Spirit which teach me over and over and over again that I do not have to be
afraid. I can trust in God and my Savior. They are here- Father beckoning me to
come to Him and the Savior lifting me, encouraging me, and leading me down that
scary, dark path.
