I just got back from seeing one of the two doctors that I had to see. I was a bit nervous because both of the doctors have a difference of opinion about the reason for me being so sick the past two days.
The doctor that I just seen is my regular doctor. After giving him a whopping $35 for the office visit, I had to wait 30 minutes to see him. I get in the room and he does all of the tests and refuses to give me my TB shot because he said that it was too early, and that I have to wait another week and of course pay another $35 for an office visit. Anyway he says that I have some kind of hair problem in my head and that I will have to cut my hair. Practically all off really, because he is afraid that it will spread to my skin (face and body). I am so sad.
I will get a 2ND opinion ( at 4) when I go to the other doctor to see about my skin ulcer and white blood count. Hopefully he tells me something different.
If not I will look like Erykah Badu until the infection is gone or my hair starts growing back.
After crying for a few hours I realize that this will be a change for me. A change that I have not asked for but can learn from. I have been worrying a lot about change. Going to college hopefully, getting a job, and becoming an adult. I have been pushing to be older and thought that I was ready. But now I will be able to look at myself and see the difference in the person that I was and the person I will be.
I will have to deal with the change even if I don't like it. And look towards the future with an open heart and eagerness to learn how to deal and how to LIVE for myself.
I think applying to SVU was a mistake. Not because I don't want to go there but because I didn't have time to think everything through. I didn't have time to listen to my heart. I have been afraid of not pleasing my parents and knowing that I am a year behind and that just a year ago I did not think that I had the chance to go to college that it was too far out of my reach. But then I got that hope when I began studying for my GED.
So when I got the opportunity to apply I went for it, not for me but for everyone else, to prove myself. So looking ahead I think that what will I have if I go to SVU and graduate. Just a piece of paper saying I passed and the thought of okay now you have to go to college to be a PA. But what fun is that for a woman. Will that be all I need. Or will I say why a PA you can be a doctor. How stupid is that. It will only be a career, a career that consumes me everyday and makes me tired every night.
I am more afraid of failing as a woman than failing at a career. I mean if I don't like being a PA or doctor I can always change my profession or stick with it because I feel that it is my duty as the youngest of four to take care of my parents. And besides my mother says that I shouldn't get married until I am 30. I have to live for them and not for me, right? But if I am a terrible mother, wife, cook, or house keeper then I have nothing to live for. After all who wants to be a mother, wife, cook, and house keeper when you can be a doctor/PA.
I might not get into SVU anyway. But I still have a year to prepare if I do.
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